Sweet quotes about a new baby abound: “A baby is God’s opinion that the world should go on” (Unknown). “Every child begins the world again” (Henry David Thoreau). “Babies smile in their sleep because they’re listening to the whispering of angels” (Unknown). “Sometimes the littlest things take up the most room in your heart” (Winnie the Pooh).
How about this for a new baby quote? “I was hoping it would be a boy.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle at my ten-year-old grandson’s honest, immediate, and unfiltered response when he finally got to see his new baby sister.
This was Madi and John’s third child. They had bypassed a gender reveal party for this one. None of us, including Madi and John, knew the gender until Noah Kate arrived. We rejoiced when we heard this 7-pound,14 once, 21 inch baby girl had arrived.
Lori and I picked up Noah Kate’s big brother and sister after school to take them to see their baby sister. Noah Kate had been born only several hours earlier, so we kept her gender a secret from Eli and Emersyn as we drove to the hospital.
All the way, they kept guessing. Eli wanted a little brother to play ball with; Emmie dreamed of dressing up a baby sister.
We walked into the hospital room. Madi and John had already picked out names for each gender, so when Madi introduced Noah Kate, the older children immediately knew. Emmie giggled; Eli was silent.
“We don’t pick out the gender,” Madi explained. “God does that.”
Gender disappointment is, in fact, “a thing,” defined as “feelings of sadness and disappointment, typically followed by guilt and shame, a parent might experience when they find out that the sex of their baby is not what they were hoping for,” says Dr. Danielle Forshee. It can range from mild to extreme emotions and can contribute to post-partum depression for mothers who experience it.
It’s not restricted to the person giving birth, either. Partners, grandparents, extended family, and caregivers can all experience gender disappointment, feeling less than positive emotions about the gender of the newborn.
Fortunately for Eli, his young age worked to his advantage. Like a typical ten- year old, his emotions are fluid. Ten-year-olds can love girls or boys one minute and run from them the next, dream of being a baseball all-star one night and vow to quit the next day, vow to read a book a week then say they like don’t like reading, all in one breath.
Remember “Gus” (John Candy) trying to comfort Kevin’s mom for leaving Kevin home alone? He tells her: “I did leave one [of my kids] at a funeral parlor once…Apparently, he was there all day with a corpse. Now, he was okay. You know, after six, seven weeks, he came around and started talking again. But he’s okay. They get over it. Kids are resilient like that.”
Kids are resilient. In a matter of moments, Eli was holding his baby sister, grinning like the proud older brother he is. And a little later, when Lori and I took Emmie and Eli to eat, he was bragging about all the things he planned to do with his baby sister. His mother says he’s the first to volunteer to hold Noah now that they are home.
I think it’s healthy that Eli felt safe enough to express his initial disappointment in the gender of his younger sibling. He’ll experience much greater, impactful moments of grief as he walks into the pain and turmoil this world has waiting for him. When that time comes, he will, like you and I, need someone or several someones with whom he can verbalize his feelings, wrap his arms around, and shed his tears. And hopefully, he will remember that “the LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18).
My guess is unless he reads this story somewhere, someday—he will have forgotten what he said the first time he laid his eyes on his baby sister. I won’t be surprised if he shows up at just the right time one day when his ten-year younger sister needs a listening ear, a steady hand, a tender shoulder, and an open heart when she too experiences life’s disappointments.