Many parents have grown frustrated with the “gentle approach” to parenting. A new trend has emerged based on the idea of allowing children to experience the natural consequences of their actions.
The slang acronym for this style of parenting is “FAFO,” short for “F**Around and Find Out.”
So, for instance, if a kid refuses to wear a raincoat to school when it’s raining, the parent lets the child get wet. If a child won’t eat porkchops and sauerkraut for supper, so be it: “Maybe you’ll have better luck tomorrow morning at breakfast.” If a child gets angry and breaks a toy, they don’t get a replacement.
When I read about this child-rearing style, I thought, “What’s so new about that?” It’s basically how my parents raised my three brothers and me. By the time I came along, the fourth child, Mom and Dad were veterans in the skill of parenting. I offered them no surprises, or at least they never let on if I did. There was no art of negotiating because there was nothing to negotiate. It never entered my mind to try. I can’t imagine bargaining with my mom and dad about what to have for supper or whether or not to wear a coat to school if Mom had told me to wear one.
Mom and Dad could have high-fived Barney Fife on his theory of child discipline: “Nip it in the bud! First sign of youngsters goin’ wrong, you got to nip it in the bud!… Nip it! You go read any book you want on the subject of child discipline and you’ll find that every one of them is in favor of bud-nippin.'”
I don’t know what book they read on parenting, but Mom and Dad were definitely in favor of bud nippin.’
Then, parenting “light” dominated for decades. Cautious permissiveness designed to meet the child’s emotional needs replaced bud nippin.’
Now, we’ve come full circle.
Regardless of the child-rearing style that suits each parent, we can gain a broader perspective in parenting by drawing on the wisdom of the ancient biblical book of Proverbs. Proverbs, portions of which are attributed to the wisest of men, Solomon, gives parental instructions like, “Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it” (Proverbs 22:6), “Discipline your children, and they will give you peace of mind and will make your heart glad” (29:17), and the one that’s the more off-putting to some parents, “Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children. Those who love their children care enough to discipline them” (Proverbs 13:24).
Of course, discipline doesn’t have to employ physical punishment. “Time-outs,” withholding privileges, and additional chores are only a few alternate forms of discipline.
Gehard von Goethe seemed to echo Solomon when he said, “Too many parents make life hard for their children by trying, too zealously, to make it easy for them.”
Life is hard, and a parent should prepare a child for that. Knowing how and when to employ the correct measures for each child isn’t always easy. Every child is unique; what is effective for one child may not be for another. The Bible has something to say about that as well, for training up a child in the way they should go (Proverbs 22:6) presupposes that the parent knows the child and the path the child is taking.
For me, getting spanked with a fly swatter was enough to scare me back on the right path. I still tease my older brother, Mark, that it took several broken yardsticks and a mouth washing with a bar of soap for Mom to get his attention.
As for grandparenting, Lori and I don’t worry much about our child-rearing techniques. I saw an Instagram photo that sums up our more relaxed style: A little boy is holding a phone with the caption, “Hi grandma, can you come get me. Mom won’t let me do anything here.”
Today, I observe our children raising our grandchildren and smile, content in knowing that the old way marked out in the Bible still holds wisdom for each new generation.