Growing Old, Staying Young

We can learn how to live meaningfully from those who have lived their lives to the fullest. But we have to take time to listen to our elders rather than disregard them because of their age limitations.  My mother-in-law, Ruth Ann Wilburn (or Roo, as the grandkids call her), reminded me of that on the evening before her 90th birthday celebration.

But I almost missed her reminisces.

We sat relaxing in her room at the retirement facility that has been her home for almost a year. I nearly got up and went for a walk since Roo was resting in her bed. “She’s tired,” I thought. But then the inner voice, “You can go for a walk any day; stay put.” 

I asked Roo how she had maintained that signature Roo-smile—a bit sassy but tender too. From the time I picked up  Lori for our first date in 1974, till years later when Lori and I reunited, Roo received life with an optimistic openness. And her jaunty grin signaled that she was always in the mood for fun.

Roo answered my question that evening with an impromptu summary of her philosophy of life. Roo has vascular dementia, but she was crystal clear as she spoke in soft, gentle tones. She didn’t list them, but I mentally numbered them as she talked. 

1. Attitude: “You choose your attitude. Your attitude is up to you, but you have a choice to have a good or a bad one.”

2. The power of the mind: “You are only as old as you want to be; I REFUSE to get old. We have no control over our age, but I’m gonna die like I’m still a teenager.” 

3. Pain is inevitable in life: deal with it.  “We are going to have disappointments and pain” (Roo has bulging disks in her neck, degenerating disks in her back, and osteoarthritis in her knees and shoulders). The presence of pain brings out her feisty spirit: “I wish George (her deceased husband and father of her children) were here,” punctuating her grief with: “dammit.” 

4. Find the good. “Look for the good; if you can’t find it, you just gotta keep looking. I always try to find something good in everyone, even if it’s only one thing. I try to look for one thing that’s good in everyone; if I can’t find it, I keep looking.”

Roo’s words reminded me of the quote by baseball legend Satchel Paige (1906-1982): “How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you were?” Paige was saying our age should not define our identity. Instead of thinking of how old we are, we should think of the person we truly are or want to be now, regardless of our birth date. 

The next day, her actions reminded me of her philosophy for living. Roo basked in the company of friends and acquaintances who had dropped by to visit her in the reception area of the retirement facility, where dozens chatted and enjoyed refreshments. Throughout the day, Roo was as lively as the crowd around her: she laughed, hugged old friends, and read cards from those who couldn’t attend. Hours later, after everyone had left, there was Roo in the game room, playing dominoes with her friend, BeBe, while most residents were already tucked away in their rooms. 

I’m glad I didn’t take that walk and instead listened to Roo. Unknowingly, she encouraged me to keep thinking young, to act and behave in ways that open me to new possibilities, and to remain eager to learn and step into new adventures. 

And, God willing, I’ll have a 90th birthday celebration someday, too. 

And I wouldn’t be surprised if Roo stops by with a set of dominoes, checking on me to see if I’ve kept my vow to stay as young as she is.